Who are the neediest human beings on earth?
Babies are needy af; they can’t do anything for themselves.
And, yet, women are obsessed with them.
Because babies literally can’t meet their own needs. Their helplessness draws out women’s motherly instincts, and they find them adorable.
But the older babies get, the less adorable their neediness is and the more irritating it becomes. By the time they’re full blown adults, their neediness is flat out repulsive.
This is because adults are precisely not helpless, they have the capacity to meet their own needs. And when they don’t, it comes off immature and unattractive. This is especially the case for men who identify with having a masculine core.
A masculine man carries the responsibility (and privilege) of providing emotional containment for a feminine woman. But the only way he could ever do that properly is by remaining healthily detached from her approval. Otherwise, he will abandon his own values for the sake of gaining her validation.
A woman cannot fully trust this kind of man because she knows he is a slave to his primal urges. He needs something from her—sex, connection, approval, etc.—and he values these things over her well being.
A truly conscious and non-needy man will not be run by his selfish desires. In some cases this may mean turning down sex from an eager woman if he thinks it is not in her highest good.
This is a radical level of non-neediness that few men ever achieve. And that is precisely why women find them so attractive, they’re rare.
If you’re not this kind of man and want to become one, or if you are this kind of man, but want to improve, then keep reading.
Self-Reliant vs Self-Absorbed
The ultimate mark of a non-needy man is in his ability to walk away from a woman. Another way to put it is that he is detached from outcome. He doesn’t need anything from her and thus is able to appreciate her in the moment without thinking about when and how the kiss or sex will ensue. And if it never does, then he is OK with that too.
Because he is self-reliant, he is ready to let her go at a moment’s notice if necessary. He does not cling to anything transient, not women, not even life itself.
But do not confuse a self-reliant man for a self-absorbed loner.
A self reliant man does not need a woman but is happy to be with the right one because he knows that a relationship challenges him in ways that being single does not. And he knows that where there’s challenge, there’s growth.
But despite being self-reliant, he also knows how to exercise a healthy degree of interdependence. He can prudently rely on others who have proven themselves trustworthy and dependable, and understands that two heads are better than one.
The self-absorbed loner, on the other hand, clings to his independence out of fear. He cannot rely on anyone because doing so opens him up to vulnerability, and vulnerability opens him up to being hurt. He is likely to have been burned or rejected by women in the past and thus remains closed, and holds an unconscious bitterness and resentment towards women as a whole.
On the surface, the loner appears to be non-needy, and because of this, damaged women will fall for him (think of James bond), but under his veil is a wounded, needy boy desperate for a woman’s approval. But when he gets it, the high is lost and he is forced to find a fresh and novel source of validation (aka a new woman). It is never enough, however, because what he’s seeking in all his sexual escapades is his own validation and love.
But until he is willing to do the inner work, he will never find it.
The reason the self-reliant man is non-needy is not because he doesn’t have needs (everyone has needs) but rather because he meets all of his own needs adequately and consistently. The loner may be able to meet all his physical needs but lacks the ability to meet his emotional needs, or even to recognize that he has them.
Every man has emotional needs, but only the ones who consciously meet them will have power over them. Those who deny their needs will be unconsciously run by them, and they will likely attempt to meet them in unhealthy, unproductive ways.
So, if you want to become more attractive to women, and improve the quality of your life, start taking radical responsibility for meeting your own needs.
Meeting Your Own Needs
To meet your own needs you must identify which ones you are currently failing to meet, or meeting in a dysfunctional way, and take the necessary steps to meet them in a healthy way consistently.
As expressed in my last letter, every human being has 7 core needs: certainty, uncertainty, significance, connection, love, growth, and contribution.
Every behavior you enact can be traced back to these core needs.
In regards to women, you must identify the needs you are attempting to get met through them and find alternative ways of meeting those needs for yourself.
There are too many variations on how a man might go about attempting to get his needs meet through a woman for me to cover them all, but I will give you some common examples that I’ve seen and experienced firsthand.
I will only focus on the first five needs since it’s usually those that lead to neediness. By the time you arrive at the last two needs you are so conscious that you can’t really screw it up.
it’s in the first 4-5 needs that things are most dysfunctional. So let’s get into it.
If you are dating a woman and tend to fear that she will leave you, or you get anxious when you guys are apart, or you get angry when she doesn’t text you back immediately then it is likely that you are wanting her to meet your need for certainty.
What would help you is to create routines that ground you and give you something to do when she is not around. That way, instead of waiting for her reply and devolving into insanity, you can enact your routine, ground yourself, and keep yourself busy.
Another idea is to write down all the ways she’s shown you that she is interested in you instead of letting your imagination ruminate on all the reasons she’s not. Train your mind to look for the positive signs instead of hyperfocusing on the negatives.
And lastly, you can simply assure yourself that even in the worst case scenario (that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore) you will still be OK because you have yourself.
Then you could make a contingency plan of what you would do in the case she does leave you. This will at least give you a sense of certainty over how you will recuperate instead of leaving it as a big question mark.
If you struggle to commit to a single woman, then part of the reason could be that you are looking to meet your need for uncertainty through them. If this is the case, then you will always be disappointed after some time.
You need to make sure that you are consciously injecting more variety into your life in other places, and not just relying on it within your relationship.
This may mean going traveling, starting a new hobby, or making new friends. Or it could mean actively spicing things up in your relationship instead of letting it become monotonous and lackluster.
In either case you must take responsibility for bringing more color into your life, otherwise you will likely default to the novelty (and addiction) of new romance.
One of the most common needs guys try to meet via women is there need for significance. This is what leads to approval seeking behaviors like excessive complimenting or gift giving, being overly agreeable, showboating, trying to impress them through money or status, or catering to their every need.
If this is you, then it is absolutely critical that you start to validate yourself. You need to make a list of all the things you are proud of yourself for, all the qualities you love about yourself, and all the ways you are unique.
If you struggle to come up with any, keep looking, they’re there.
You must be vigilant in spotting and replacing any negative self talk with positive self talk. Imagine you are your own biggest fan, cheerleader, or hype man. A good way to practice this is to speak to yourself the way you would speak to your best friend.
Over time you will start to teach the approval-seeking part of you that the only person’s opinion that matters is your own, and you will start to detach yourself from needing a woman to validate your because you will know you already are worthy.
If you tend to get lonely when you’re not with a woman then you are likely trying to get your need for connection met through her. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but can lead to clinginess and suffocation if you’re not careful.
A wise move is to diversify where you are getting your need for connection met. In other words, make sure you have good friends you are spending time with away from her.
Too often I see couples abandon their friends when they enter a new relationship. Don’t do that, stay connected to your current friend group and make sure you don’t depend on your partner as your only source of connection.
If you don’t have a partner and you’re feeling lonely then you need to reach out to your friends or make new ones. It’s your responsibility to get this need met. Another easy way to do this is to go sit at a crowded coffee shop or park where lots of people are passing through. Sometimes, this is enough to make us feel connected.
And lastly, and most importantly, whether you are in or out of a relationship, it’s critical that you take the time to connect deeper to yourself. You can can do this through meditation, through walking in nature, or by doing something you love to do. This is especially important if you struggle being with yourself.
Can you sit in a room by yourself without distracting yourself from yourself? No phone, no tv, no music, no podcasts, no nothing. If you can’t just be with yourself then that’s a problem. First and foremost you must learn to connect to yourself, then to friends, and lastly with a partner.\
Finally, if you are longing to not just connect with someone but to love them fully and share deep intimacy together then you are trying to get your need for love met. This is totally normal and there’s nothing wrong with it, but once again, if you are not in love with yourself first then it will lead to problems.
In truth, you can’t actually love someone if you don’t love yourself first because that love will be tainted by neediness. Only unconditional love is truly love.
The best thing I can recommend for you here is to masturbate like you are making love to yourself. Too often, during masturbation, men are dissociating from themselves through porn or mental fantasies and rushing through to orgasm. Instead, slow down and take the time to really be with yourself. Treat yourself with kindness and love and cultivate intimacy with yourself.
This is a need that is obviously easier to meet with another person, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do everything within your power to meet this need to the fullest on your own.
Once you’re meeting your needs consistently, you will notice the compulsion and desperation to be with a woman fade.
You will begin to enjoy your own presence and even crave time alone.
Your self-esteem with grow as you begin to normalize the fact that you can take care of yourself: your physical and emotional needs.
I can’t express how liberating this is.
Before I started meeting my own needs, I was living in a constant state of lack that drove me to obsession and neuroticism. I needed women as desperately as I needed oxygen.
I chased women and molded my entire life to them.
On the rare nights I spent alone, I felt lonely and miserable and drowned myself in weed, beer, and porn to numb the pain.
I was not a free man.
But once I took responsibility for my needs, everything changed. I became my own best friend, and I set myself free.
Now it’s your turn. Pick a single need that you have been neglecting and make a game plan on how you will meet it in a healthy way. Do that consistently and you’ll be well on your way.
If want help with this feel free to DM me on Instagram. Otherwise, I’ll catch you in the next one.
Best of luck friend.
Breathe deep, face fear, become whole.