A few weeks ago I was journaling at a coffee shop when I saw a stunning island girl with caramel skin in a bright yellow sundress sitting directly across from me at the other end of the room.
(I’m currently focused on growing my business and haven’t been open to dating anyone so, for the most part, I’ve been actively avoiding women.)
But there was something exotic about this girl that caught my eye and made it damned near impossible to avoid stealing a glance every few minutes.
I decided I needed to approach her. Not to get her number or anything but just to talk to her, and to prove to myself that I could.
But it had been months since I last cold-approached and I was feeling rusty—my heart was pounding and my stomach was in a knot.
I was nervous af.
Doubt crept in and I wondered if I deserved to call myself a dating coach. But I caught the thought like a firefly and simply let it go.
I reminded myself that cold approaching women is a muscle that can be trained, but if not maintained, will atrophy.
Well…this was me walking into the emotional gym after about 4 months of time off—of course I felt rusty.
Just as I was about to approach her, the coffee shop clerks told everyone they were closing in five minutes.
I watched as the girl in the sundress began typing frantically and looking like she was trying to finish an important project before getting kicked out.
It wasn’t the right moment—but I wasn’t about to give up.
I looked around and saw that there was only one exit to the coffee shop. I knew that she had to go out through that door to leave, so I packed up my things, walked outside, and waited.
Two minutes later she came bursting out the door texting and clearly in a rush.
I hesitated and thought about bailing.
(What would you do?)
Fortunately, I shook off the excuses and reminded myself that the results didn’t matter—only that I went through with it.
So, I walked right up to her and said “hey, I wanted to meet you real quick, what’s your name?”
She was shocked and a bit confused but told me her name.
“Nice to meet you”, I said, “your yellow dress was brightening up the whole room”.
She smiled for a second, said “thanks”, and then—as if realizing she had more important things to do than talk to a random dude on the street—went back to looking at her phone.
“You look like you’re in a rush”, I said.
“I am”, she replied, “I’m meeting some friends at a brewery and have to go.” She swiveled her head left and right scanning for cars as she prepared to cross the street.
“No worries”, I said, “have a great day”.
She stepped into the street and mumbled something without so much as looking back at me.
I turned around and spotted a couple sitting nearby that had probably heard the interaction.
A wave of embarrassment washed over me as I pulled out my phone and pretended to use it in an attempt to deflect some of the shame.
I felt myself trying to hide from the world as my vision narrowed and a warm pins-and-needles feeling slithered up my spine.
Feel Your F*cking Feelings
People use phones like infants use pacifiers—to cope.
It might as well be the modern day representation of sticking their head in the sand.
Next time you go out, notice how many people are pretending to be doing something important on their devices when they’re really just distracting themselves from their own discomfort.
When the sundressed girl blew me off, I began enacting the same pattern unconsciously. But, fortunately (because I’ve been doing this for a while) I caught myself immediately and said “no, I won’t avoid this”.
I slipped my phone back into my pocket, walked over to my car, got inside, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and leaned into the feeling I was trying to suppress.
I detected hints of shame, inadequacy, embarrassment, rejection, sadness, and hopelessness. There was also an unsettling sensation crawling up my neck, a lump in my throat, and a sharp tightness in my chest.
I just breathed into all of it and allowed it to be. It was uncomfortable but not intolerable.
I reminded myself that it’s OK to feel my feelings—they’re natural—and that regardless of what anyone thought, I am good enough as I am. I don’t need a chick’s number, approval, or attention to prove that.
I placed a hand over my heart and told the part of me that was hurt and embarrassed that I loved him and that I would never abandon him no matter what.
Almost immediately I began to feel my body relax as the tension faded and the uncomfortable feelings subsided.
A power swelled up in me until I cracked a smile, then a smirk, then a giggle. Finally, I erupted in laughter and yelled “WOOH! WHAT A RUSH!”
I cranked the engine, rolled down the windows and drove off into the sunset bumping Glass Animals and feeling the breeze in my hair.
I tell you this story to illustrate the power of rejection and how you can leverage it for growth.
So many guys fear rejection, not because they fear rejection itself, but because they fear the uncomfortable sensations in their bodies that arise as a result of rejection—AKA their feelings.
This is a critical distinction that will change the way you think about cold approach if you let it because it shifts the end goal from trying not to get rejected (which is something you can’t control) to becoming a master of your emotions (which is something you can control).
What if you knew you could handle rejection like a pro—that it would only phase you for a few seconds before you’d laugh it off, let it go, and leverage the emotional charge to fuel your day?
What would that do for you?
If you struggle with approaching beautiful women (like most guys do) it would mean finally being able to capitalize on those golden opportunities instead of letting them slip through your fingers and regretting it for the rest of the day.
Even if you got rejected, at least you could live with yourself knowing you tried, instead of beating yourself up over chickening out.
Plus, the adrenaline rush would probably give you the motivation to keep approaching like it did for me. After I approached that girl at the coffee shop I felt on fire and went out that same night and approached multiple beautiful women like it was nothing.
It took just one clunky approach for me to rip the bandaid off and find my rhythm.
But I’ve been working on this for a while; don’t expect it to turn out the same way for you right away. It takes training and patience.
The reason I was able to let go of the shame so quickly was because I have been nurturing my inner children (or parts) for a while now. I’ve earned their trust, so they more readily surrender their feelings and follow my lead.
If you avoid situations that might trigger you, or struggle with shifting yourself out of emotional states quickly, it’s because your parts don’t yet trust you to lead them.
And if you’ve been ignoring them (suppressing your emotions) then why would they?
You need to earn their trust back before they’ll relinquish their fears and trust your leadership. That’s OK, it takes time. But it’s so worth it when you become Self-led.
We’ll dive deeper into how to do this in future letters, but for now just know that every part of you deserves care, and every emotion in you deserves to be felt—especially the ones you don’t like. That’s how you build trust with your parts and train your emotional muscles to tolerate more weight.
Over time, your confidence skyrockets and the world becomes your oyster.
Improve Your Game
Don’t get me wrong, there’s a time and place for improving your ability to attract women too—I’m not saying you should just settle for getting rejected all the time. But you’ve got to prioritize outcome-independence over results: inner game over outer.
Otherwise, you run the risk of placing your value outside of yourself, and that always leads to unfulfillment in the long run—even if you do succeed in attracting women.
Trust me, I used to be one of those player types, jumping around from girl to girl desperately trying to fill the emptiness inside myself for years, blind to what was really going on under the surface.
When I got rejected, I’d shove the sadness down and pretend like I wasn’t fazed—but I was. I’d just gotten so good at pretending like I wasn’t.
Lots of people bought it (including myself), but no matter how many women I slept with, I never found the love I was truly looking for because I didn’t love myself. (Cheesy, I know, but more true than you know.)
But I don’t expect you to take my word for it and say “Oh OK Danny, I won’t chase girls then, thanks for banging all those women so that I don’t have to”.
I’m not stupid—there are some paths you’ve got to walk down yourself; some wisdom you’ve got to earn on your own.
And that’s why I do what I do: to aid you in fulfilling the karma you can’t just shake off.
To help you sow your wild oats or find your dream partner in a conscious way that doesn’t get you into too much unnecessary drama and trouble.
To point out the pitfalls of improving your game so you get through it with minimal collateral damage to yourself and others.
And ultimately to help you traverse the tricky (and sometimes brutal) landscape of dating in an optimal way so you level up as a man and not as a pickup artist.
If you want further help with this but don’t know where to get started then feel free to DM me on Instagram.
Otherwise, I’ll catch you in the next one.
Stay hungry, stay humble.